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THE METHOD

step two

Got your idea? Great! Now bring it into being using words!

 

The number one mistake new writers make is using the wrong words. The only difference between À la recherche du temps perdu and third-rate Star Trek: TOS slash fiction is that Marcel Proust chose just exactly the right words to tell his story, and they weren't about Mr. Spock and Captain Kirk huddling together for warmth during the long, cold night they're trapped on Gazingazork V, only to discover things can get hot, hot, hot as long as nobody's frigid [this is my idea nobody steal it okay].

How do you know you're choosing exactly the right words? When I wrote Rise Again: Below Zero, for example, I figured I'd need about 130,000 words to complete the project. Right away I knew it had to be in English, because it was just that kind of novel. So I chose English words, plus Kummerspeck (German: grief bacon) and Byuntae (Korean: pervert). Why did I include some foreign words? Because it makes me seem smarter than the reader. This is of critical importance. You never want the reader thinking they're smarter than you, or they'll imagine they can write better than you can and the next thing you know they're getting huge advances because actually they are better writers, which is a horrible feeling.

 

Once you've chosen your words, just arrange them in the order that seems to most effectively tell your story. Make sure to use punctuation, and don't be afraid to repeat certain words like "the" and "negatron" that may come up a lot. It's okay. One of my books had the word "poo" in it like three hundred times and it's still in print.

 

That's it! Easy Peasy. Be sure to let people who can read know all about your new book.

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